2 weeks ago
15 November 2009
It's not often that I say this, since I can usually find something to like in any horror film, but I really disliked Orphan. In fact, I kind of hated it. I kept wanting it to be over, and kept fast forwarding through the stupid talky parts where the annoying parental units were arguing. But then I would feel guilty, thinking perhaps I was missing some dialogue that might redeem this stupid film, and go back and watch whatever I had zipped through. Of course nothing ever redeemed this not at all scary movie--except perhaps the house, which was a beauty of modern design with the most beautiful wood floors I've seen in awhile.
Anyway, Orphan's dumb premise is about a couple whose third child is stillborn, and because they have so much love they just must share it with someone, so they adopt this weird little girl from an orphanage. Esther wears odd little dresses, and also sports ribbons on her neck and her wrists. Of course she immediately starts acting weird and fucking with the other two kids (one who is deaf and adorable, and one who is a stereotypical pre-teen boy).
Here be spoilers if you give a shit! What turns out to be the problem is so dumb and annoying I was almost rooting for Esther to kill all of them. But first, she has to try to get the parents really fighting each other, and the dad thinking the mom is relapsing (alcohol) and stuff like that. First she has to kill a lovely nun, and smash a pigeon to death, and push a snotty little bitch-kid off a playground slide. She deserved it, sort of. But what really gets me is that the dad gets killed near the end, and really, he deserved it too, since he never believed his very intuitive wife. That's what you get, hubby, for doubting her! Also, there is a crappy therapist who doesn't believe wifey either--she should have gotten knifed, too. I was pretty much hoping everyone would be dead by the end.
The truth comes out when it is revealed that Esther is not a nine-year-old little orphan but a 30-something crazy woman from Romania or somewhere who has killed nine people. She has a mysterious metabolic disorder that makes her seem as if she is a little girl, which of course allows her to ingratiate herself into the hearts and lives of hapless baby-hungry parents.
I was so tired of all of this that I was relieved when it was finally over. Esther, you suck.